my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
