Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
