Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
