Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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