Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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