got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
