Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
