I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
