We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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