I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
