so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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