she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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