My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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