So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
