I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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