is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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