I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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