i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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