I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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