I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
