Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
