I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I look better un-naked...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
