I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
