Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
