your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
