Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
