ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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