I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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