I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
