My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
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Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize