I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
