i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
