Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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