Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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