Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
