They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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