No, you can still breathe under the balls.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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