I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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