I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
