Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
