can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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