apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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