We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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