just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
