Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
