who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
