Apparently you make a good broom.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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