im gay
i know
yea but for you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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