if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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