I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
