420 ftw
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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