the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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