I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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