God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
