It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.