someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?