I think my fart just growled at me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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