I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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