i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
